Does everything happen for a reason?

The past few weeks has been full of highs and lows for me. The horrendous experience of having the cast removed, to then the fact my foot had as good as healed after all this time, to the day I saw blood starting to seep through the dressing. People say everything happens for a reason but this has made me question this. Having CRPS is horrible, and especially at first you feel it's stolen who you used to be. But having ulceration on the limb you also have CRPS in just makes everything worse. When I woke up from the doctor taking off the plaster cast and leaving it open with a sticky dressing on top, it really was the worse pain I've ever experienced. I was a total mess, all I could do was scream and cry. My memory about some of the details is pretty vague because all I really remember is PAIN. But eventually when they took of the ridiculous sticky dressing and loosely covered my whole foot with dressing to prevent the air against it, it got much better than it was. When I went home that evening, I was upset about what had happened but I was also happy and optimistic. I was happy because again I thought it was all over and optimistic because we'd talked about trailing spinal cord stimulation (SCS). I felt like we were making progress. Although I had dressings still covering my foot I felt like they could potentially come off if the scs worked. I went a few days in increased pain than when my leg was in a cast but I thought with time, it could improve. The trouble is because all the muscle in my leg had wasted I am unable to lift or move my foot at all, in the cast. My foot was at a right angle to stop the graft from moving because it was very fragile.

Well when they removed the dressing that the blood had seeped through, they said the skin had broken down again, which was really hard to deal with because I thought I was getting better. I had the dressing changed but some weeks later the dressing started to smell horrendous, like rotting flesh. I was afraid to go anywhere because of what people might think about me. When this dressing was removed the ulcer had just got worse, it had got bigger and so deep that the bones in my foot were exposed. After this was changed, the pain was so bad I had to stay in hospital for nearly 2 weeks taking ketamine as this was the only thing that made the unbearable slightly more bearable. I wanted to do everything I could to make things better and they were just getting uncontrollably worse. Whilst I was in hospital I had that dressing changed again after 10 days, which went slightly better because my leg was in a backslab cast which was more comfortable than it being unsupported. Whilst I was in hospital I made friends with someone else who suffers from invisible illnesses and is passionate, like me, about raising awareness of invisible disabilities. They also helped me a lot when I was in pain, by chatting and just being there for me, so a massive thank you. 

Today, I am on my way to London to have the dressing changed under anaesthetic again. I've only just realised that today is exactly 52 weeks since my leg has been in plaster and I have not seen my own foot since, which is a weird feeling. I really hope that I start to get some good luck soon and professionals start to listen to my point of view for a change. All of this experience makes me wonder if things really do happy for a reason, I just hope they do and what's meant to be will be. At the end of the day "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!". 

I'm hoping to get back to blogging more regularly, it's just I've had a lot of things going on recently. 

Keep going everyone. Remember, true strength comes from within...